Talking about dying

It can be hard to know how to start conversations about pancreatic cancer and dying. But talking openly about your feelings and wishes can help your family and healthcare team support and care for you.

Key facts

  • It can be hard to know how to start conversations about dying.
  • Talking openly about your feelings and wishes can help your family and medical team support and care for you.
  • If you have young children or teenagers in the family, be honest and explain what is happening.
  • Speak to your healthcare team about any questions or worries you may have.
  • Writing down your questions before your appointment can help with these conversations.
  • Talk to those close to you about how you would like them to support you.

How can I talk to my family and friends?

It can be difficult talking to those close to you about dying. But being open and honest about your feelings and wishes can be comforting to you and your family. For example, you may feel less worried about the future if your family know how and where you would like to be cared for.

Talk to those close to you about how you would like them to support you. If there’s anything you would rather they didn’t do, let them know this as well.

If you find that you are having to tell lots of people about what’s happening, you could ask one person to update the rest of your family and friends for you.

Talking to children

For most children and teenagers, it’s best to be honest and explain what’s going on. You may feel you want to protect them, but even very young children often sense when something is wrong.

Use language they will understand. Check they have understood by asking them to tell you what is happening in their own words. Be prepared to answer their questions and be honest if you don’t know the answer. You may worry about getting upset in front of children, but this can help them understand that it’s okay for them to be upset too. Don’t worry if they listen to what you tell them but don’t seem to react. This is normal and doesn’t mean they haven’t understood.

Getting support for children

It can help to speak to their school, as school staff can provide support. They may also find it helpful to be aware of what’s going on at home, for example in planning schoolwork, or if the child’s behaviour changes. Students can talk to their college or university, who can provide support and help them with their workload.

Winston’s Wish provide information and support to help you talk to children about serious illness.

 

Support for children and teenagers

Many hospices and palliative care teams have counsellors who can help you talk to children. We have more information about organisations that can help support children and teenagers.

Find more support for children

Making memories

Making memories can be a positive experience for everyone. If you are well enough, this might be going on a trip or doing activities with family or friends. Or you might want to make a memory box, write messages for your loved ones, or simply spend time together looking at photos and talking about things you’ve done together. You could also try making video or voice recordings.

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Mum was diagnosed and immediately referred for palliative care. Our focus was very much on making memories and we especially wanted to fulfil her last wish to go to the seaside. The journey took 4 hours with having to stop for mum to be sick, but we made it. We surprised her with a beach hut we had booked out and had the BEST time together. Fish & chips by the sea, ice creams, looking at the little shops and mum sitting by the sea enjoying the sun and salty air. We made her wish come true, and we’re left with such special memories of that day.

Laura and Amy

Talking to health professionals

You may want to know how long you have left to live and what will happen over the coming months. Your doctors and nurses will be able to support you and answer any questions.

What can help with talking to health professionals?

If you find talking to your doctor or nurse hard, these things may help.

  • Think about how much you want to know.
  • If you wish, you can give your doctors and nurses permission to speak to your family and answer their questions without you being there.
  • Write a list of questions to ask your doctor or nurse.
  • You might find it helpful to have someone with you for support and to take notes.
  • If you want to know how long you might have left to live, ask your doctor direct questions. They may find it difficult to give a clear answer, but they should be able to give you information based on your situation.
  • Some people prefer not to know how long they may have left and live each day as it comes. The doctors and nurses will respect this decision.
  • Tell your doctor or nurse what you hope will happen in the future. But also think about what you want to happen if things don’t go to plan, for example if you can’t be cared for where you would like to be.

Questions to ask your doctor or nurse


  • How long do I have left to live?
  • What symptoms might I get in the coming weeks?
  • How do I record my wishes for my future care?
  • How will I know when I only have a few weeks or days to live?
  • Is there support to help me talk to my children or grandchildren?
  • What support is there for my family?

More information and support

The organisation Dying Matters has information on how to talk about dying. We list more organisation who provide information and support for people nearing the end of life, and their friends and families.

Find more information and support
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“Some people want to talk about end of life and they want loads of information, other people don’t want to talk about it. My mum didn’t. She didn’t talk about her end of life at all really.”

Published August 2024

Review date August 2027